


Silence

by akaatea



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Crying, M/M, Unrequited Love, issei loves maki but maki doesnt love him back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:34:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26061256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akaatea/pseuds/akaatea
Summary: If only he hadn't been such a coward...maybe he would have stood a chance.---{In which Matsukawa has feelings for Hanamaki, but those feelings aren't reciprocated.}
Relationships: hanamaki takahiro & some random kid
Kudos: 6





	Silence

**Author's Note:**

  * For [entrechat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/entrechat/gifts).



> this is for Kam because her Matsukawa crying fic gave me angst brain and I spit this out in like three hours help me-
> 
> the fic (go read it but like after this) -- https://archiveofourown.org/works/26041123

Issei took in a shaky breath, feeling his heart flutter and his stomach twist in nervousness. He shouldn’t be like this anymore. He had already done this more times than he could count. He just had to go to the library in- he checked his phone- fifteen minutes, find his friends at their usual table, and do his homework there for about two hours with everyone before it was a socially acceptable time to leave. There was just _one_ simple problem with his plan…Maki was bringing his _boyfriend_.

Just like that, Matsukawa didn’t want to go again. He had been having this internal conversation with himself for around ten minutes now, and it would always come back to that one particular issue of the day. Maki was bringing his boyfriend, and Issei did _not_ want to meet him.

He had somehow successfully avoided formally meeting the boy so far in the few weeks that they had been dating, making excuses for having to leave early, using the bathroom for long periods of time, pretending to be on the phone when he saw Maki with him in the halls. It hurt Issei, knowing that at one point, he may have stood a chance at gaining Maki’s love, but now...well, Maki just seemed so happy. Who was he to take that away?

Running everything through his head once more, Matsukawa was about to make the decision to leave and make up an excuse for why he couldn’t be there when he felt someone jump on him from behind. He groaned, knowing that now he was completely and utterly _screwed_.

“Mattsun!! You made it! Oh, I’m so happy- we barely ever see you these days, I was worried you didn’t like us anymore or something!” The loud and _annoying_ voice of Oikawa Tooru rang out right next to his ear, Issei flinching a little bit at the proximity. He not so gracefully shrugged the man-child off of his body and turned to face him, giving Hajime, who was standing off to the side with a very unimpressed look on his face, a small nod.

“Yeah, I’m here...but I was actually not feeling that well and was going to..tell…you…” his voice slowly trailed off as his eyes locked on to something at the end of the hall. Well, more like some _one_ , but really, did Matsukawa care anymore-? Okay, that’s a lie, of _course_ he cared- because walking down the hallway and towards their little group was Hanamaki...and his boyfriend.. _.holding hands._ He cared very much.

Matsukawa felt his heart clench painfully at the sight. He saw Iwaizumi give him a sympathetic glance before going to calm down Oikawa, who was frantically waving at the two boys to alert them of their presence. Oh, _excellent_ , as if the day couldn’t get any better.

Feeling as if his eyes were glued to Maki, he just stood there and stared for a good couple of seconds before he was shaken out of it by something Oikawa said, that had Takahiro looking right back at him.

“Oh yeah, but Mattsun said that he wasn’t feeling well, so he might not be joining us today, right, Mattsun?” Oikawa looked over at him, causing Maki to look over at him as well, and Matsukawa’s heart should have just stopped right there. He hated this. He hated this, he hated this, he _absolutely hated this_. Why couldn’t things go back to the way they were before? When he could look at Maki and be happy. Happy that he had a friend who cared for him. Happy knowing that he’d be content just staying as Maki’s friend...but now. Now that Maki had a boyfriend...who _wasn’t_ _Issei_. It evoked all sorts of internal emotions and conflicts in Matsukawa, the main ones being jealousy, hate, and sadness.

When he looked at Maki now, all Matsukawa could see was the face of someone whom he had loved and lost...all because he was too much of a coward to say anything...to ruin their perfect friendship. And now Maki was gone. And there was nothing he could do about it. And Maki was staring at him. He was staring at him with those beautiful, disappointed eyes. Those eyes that said, ‘ _Are you really just going to leave? You’re just going to give up? That’s it?_ ’ Although he knew that those weren’t Maki’s thoughts. They were Issei’s. Issei’s deep dark thoughts that poked and prodded at his insecurities, hoping to inflate that large piece of sorrow buried deep inside him until it burst, and he _broke_. And frankly, Matsukawa wasn’t in the mood to stop it from bursting.

“You’re...not going to study with us today, Matsu? But...you always study with us- I don’t think you’ve missed a day in like...ever! _Is it that bad…?”_ Maki’s voice was concerned, looking over at Matsu like it was the end of the world or something. And maybe it was. It sure _felt_ like it to Issei, especially with the presence of Maki’s boyfriend pulsing so loud inside Issei’s head, that it became almost too hard to ignore him, but he tried. He didn’t...he didn’t want to look. It was as if looking at the boy fully would make it real...and that was the _last_ thing that Matsukawa wanted.

Something else he didn’t want was for Maki to be disappointed. He could tell, Maki was disappointed that he wasn’t going to study with them. _It hurt_. Having to choose between Maki and...his own feelings, but he eventually went with what he had always done before, and would probably always do for the rest of his life.

“Hmm? No, no, I can stay. I was just saying that I wasn’t feeling well, but it’s fine because...because I can still stay after to study with you guys. Like you said, Maki, I’ve never missed a day, right?” Issei forced out a small smile for the boy in front of him and he tightened his grip around his backpack straps, letting out a small sigh. Oh _boy_ , was he going to regret this in like an hour- wait scratch that, he already regretted it.

Issei decided he didn’t want to wait for someone else to head into the library and risk the chance of Maki asking him another question with those...eyes of his, so he turned around and walked to the library doors, opening them and stepping inside. He didn’t bother to spare a glance back at his friends. He headed over to their usual table and was about to take his usual spot when he realized that Maki’s...boyfriend would probably want to sit there, it being the only seat next to where Maki usually sat.

Matsukawa felt his stomach drop as he took the seat on the end of the rectangular table and waited for the others to join him. Why was he doing this? He wouldn’t typically...give up his spot next to Maki like that. And didn’t he _hate_ that guy? Why should he get to take his place next to Maki- no...no he wasn’t doing this for Maki’s boyfriend...he was doing this for _Maki_. 

Being completely honest with himself, Takahiro had seemed...a lot happier recently since he had started dating. Matsukawa knew that his boyfriend made him happy; he just...didn’t want to acknowledge it. He knew that if he acknowledged it, it would just make him feel worse, knowing that he’d probably never have a chance with Maki...and that thought- _it hurt a lot._

Finally, the others arrived and sat down, and Matsukawa noticed Iwaizumi giving him a sad look as Maki’s boyfriend sat down in his spot. It was _his spot,_ goddamn it- and Maki didn’t even seem to notice. He just kept casually chatting with the boy like it was a normal Tuesday afternoon...which, it probably was for Takahiro, having been dating the boy for around three weeks now. That- Matsukawa didn’t like that...but he pushed it down. He didn’t get to have a say in Maki’s relationships...he needed to keep reminding himself that.

Taking out his math textbook, he tried to ignore all the lovey-dovey stuff going on next to him, when he heard Maki say his name, and he froze.

_ Oh no... _

“Oh, Matsu- I don’t think you’ve actually been properly introduced to my boyfriend yet! Isn’t that a little funny? My best friend and my boyfriend only officially meeting after three weeks!” Maki chirped happily, setting his pencil down, although it looked like he hadn’t gotten any work done at all.

This wasn’t good. No. No no no- Matsukawa had been dreading this moment for a while. The moment when he’d finally have to meet Maki’s boyfriend. Everything he’d been trying to avoid for weeks now would solidify, and Issei would be left as just some...hopeless romantic, wishing for the guy that he’ll _never_ be able to get. But...he knew he had to do this at some point. If he didn’t...what kind of ‘best friend’ would he be?

“Yeah...we haven’t. I’m-”

“The famous Matsukawa Issei. I’ve heard a lot about you.” Issei stared at this kid- this kid who had barged into his life and taken over the best thing his dull and dark world, this kid who had the _audacity_ to interrupt him while he was introducing himself. Who even was this guy? And why did he think he was some hotshot who knew everything? God, Issei hated him already.

“Yes. Matsukawa Issei...And you are?” Issei responded through clenched teeth, not enjoying this one bit. No one really seemed to notice how annoyed he was anyway, so it’s not like it mattered.

“Ah, my name is Ishida Hiromichi, it’s nice to meet you. Maki has told me a lot about you.” Oh, Issei _really_ hated this guy. He didn’t know what exactly it was in his response that set him off, but something about it...he just _didn’t like_. God, he wanted to get out of this situation...fast.

“Oh yeah? That’s nice…” Matsukawa just brushed him off, earning a confused and slightly...annoyed(?) look from Maki that sent a small pang through his heart. Why would Maki be annoyed? He didn’t...say anything rude- did he? No, he didn’t...he just couldn’t place it. Whatever, he needed to do work and really didn’t want to talk to this Ishida kid anymore, so he pulled out his notebook and started working on his math homework silently, ignoring the stares that he could feel himself occasionally getting from Maki and Iwaizumi. He didn’t enjoy that.

Practically running on spite and annoyance, Issei finished his math work rather fast, and he looked up for the first time in around a half an hour, seeing Maki and Ishida...being all cuddly with each other. Not even doing their work or studying, just- on their phones...talking...doing what _he and Maki_ used to do.

Seeing them like that...it made Matsukawa’s stomach twist in a way that he very much disliked. He frowned a little, feeling a lump start to form in his throat, and he felt a sudden...intense urge to _go_. To _leave_. He wasn’t sure why exactly, but he knew he needed to get out of there, so he quickly packed his things in his bag and slung it over his shoulder, feeling his eyes start to sting a little bit.

Oh shit- was he crying? No, no, not yet, but...but soon. He shook his head at Iwaizumi when the boy gave him a questioning look and he turned around and left, not looking back. Maki hadn’t even noticed that he’d gone…

Climbing into his car and not bothering to turn it on, Matsukawa felt the lump in his throat, uncomfortably big and stinging. He reached up to touch his eyes, realizing that he had tears streaming down his face...he hadn’t even noticed until now.

“Well shit…” He whispered quietly to himself, squeezing his eyes tight and grabbing on to the steering wheel, his head falling down heavily onto the top of the wheel with an audible thunk. Then he just sat there, silently crying, his mind running through all of the negative things that had happened in the past three weeks, and he came to some realizations, as well…

He realized that Maki...Maki had been a pillar in his life. Someone who held him together...someone who completed him. And without Maki, he was crumbling...

He realized that he had been bottling up all this horrible sadness, with nowhere for it to go…

And he realized that he hadn’t cried in three weeks- but then again, _why would he...?_

After all...he had no one to cry to anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> hhey there- mayhaps go follow me on twitter? -- https://twitter.com/akaatea


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